Grief Sucks

Grief is a funny thing. It affects different people in different ways. Our family has lost quite a number of family members in the last 18 months and none of them was due to the pandemic. Yes, I know that I am in the "older" generation category now but I was not ready to become an orphan at the age of 60. 

Dad passed away in January 2021 of Cancer

Mom passed away in November 2021 from an untreated stroke

(I am still mad about that by the way)

Granny passed away in December 2021 from old age and just plain tiredness. She had outlived all of her contemporaries but one I think. 

Due to the pandemic and all that has caused to happen we were unable to have a service for Dad. Or if his wife arranged one we were not invited. We went to Granny's funeral it was all paid for and arranged years ago. Although we all were under the impression that we would have her service at the old church on Hendricks Avenue where most of our relatives on that side of the family have been sent to the hereafter for over 50 years. They held her service in Fernandina Beach. We all headed over to the graveside service. Some of us were quite late as there were various problems with traffic and not everyone went the same way. I, foolishly or not, went by way of A1A, not remembering they had a hurricane a few years before that still has some of that road being repaired.  

In June 2022, we were finally able to have a Memorial Service for Mom and Dad at the county park with cabins next to the water called Princess Place Preserve. Tony, paid for all three cabins for the entire weekend. We had some quiet time before and after the service. Dad's brother and sister were able to come along with several members of their family but only mom's brother and his wife and her two sisters showed up for the event. We did not really have anything special planned just having some food, watching the movie I created of their lives (which sadly no one could see outdoors), and visiting for a while. It was quite hot even with the nice breeze coming off the intercoastal. After about an hour or so everyone headed for home and we headed for the AC in the cabins.

Just before dusk my sister and I along with one of her daughters went out into the water to throw some of mom's ashes. She always enjoyed the water, fishing, swimming, or just sitting in the sun reading a good book. Dad did as well. 

I did not then nor have I now release all of my grief. It still lurks in the back of my mind and comes in short bursts every now and again. There are tears at odd commercials of people being nice to each other. Not of tragedies but of overcoming obstacles. Then there are the quiet times when I think one of them is saying my name to do something or other. I can hear my dad calling my name on the phone (We haven't spent a lot of time together over the last 45 years.) And on occasion, I hear Granny asking me a question. But mom, (we took care of each other every day for the last 10 years), I hear in my head and when I'm sleeping. 

I know that all of this is part of the grieving process. I cannot help my siblings through their own versions but I try in my own way to give them space, listen when they talk, and keep my opinions to myself. I know that the spiritual energy of all the family we have lost has moved onto the next stage of their existence (whatever that may be) including the three cousins, an aunt (by marriage), and an uncle (also by marriage) who also passed away during these past 18 months. All that family energy floating around out there. Is this what it really means to get old?